Someone once said to me before Yom Kippur, “I think we’re all doing pretty well. If you think about it, most of us aren’t guilty of all those sins mentioned in the Machzor, excerpt for bein adam lechaveiro, those between us and other people.”
It seems he had made a separation in his mind. According to his way of thinking, there are sins against Hashem, bein adam lamakom, and there are sins against other people, bein adam lechaveiro. We have to settle our accounts with Hashem whom we’ve disobeyed, and we have to settle our accounts with other people whom we’ve hurt either physically, emotionally or financially.
As long as we are good with Hashem, he was thinking, we are in a good place. Although we know that Yom Kippur does not atone for sins against other people unless they forgive (Yoma 85b), it doesn’t matter so much if our accounts with other people remain open a little while longer.
But a question arises. If indeed Yom Kippur does not cleanse us of sins that are bein adam lechaveiro, how do we explain the great many sins bein adam lechaveiro for which we beg forgiveness in our Yom Kippur prayers? We betrayed; we stole; we exploited; we spoke falsehoods; we gave bad advice; we cheated; we insulted our parents; we slandered; we defamed; we hated for no reason; and many more.
Why are we confessing these sins and asking forgiveness? If we have already apologized to the people we wronged and our apologies were accepted, then we no longer need forgiveness. If we have not been forgiven by the people we hurt, then Yom Kippur does not absolve us.
The standard answer given is that even sins bein adam lechaveiro also have a bein adam lamakom component. After you gain forgiveness from the
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injured person, you must also ask forgiveness from Hashem for what you have done.
I would further suggest that there are no two components. The is only bein adam lamakom. There no sins bein adam lechaveiro. Sins are religious violations, and therefore, you cannot sin against another person. He is not a god against whom you can sin. You can only sin against Hashem. The Torah forbids causing pain to animal, tzaar baalei chaim. Would you consider that bein adam labeheimah? Of course not. Causing pain to animals is a sin against Hashem. Hurting other people is similarly a sin against Hashem.
Everything in this world belongs to Hashem. Lashem haaretz umelo’ah. The environment is his. The animals are His. The people are His. “Do not destroy My world,” says Hashem. “Do not cut down my fruit trees. Do not cause pain to My animals. Do not harm My people.” Hurting other people is a sin against Hashem. Sins bein adam lechaveiro are just another form of sins bein adam lamakom. Other people are not your baalei davar, your litigants, when it comes to sins. You have no account with them. You only have an account with Hashem. The people you harmed are your victims, nothing more.
Why then do you have to ask for their forgiveness? Because you cannot ask Hashem to forgive you for harming His people before you do everything in your power to repair the damage you have done. You cannot ask Him to forgive you for stealing if we still have the stolen property in your possession. You cannot ask Him to forgive you for insulting another person before you have appeased and mollified him.
The Mishnah does not say that Yom Kippur does not atone until you gain forgiveness, ad sheyimchol lo chaveiro. It says, “Until you appease him, ad sheyeratzeh es chaveiro.” You have to repair the damage. Rav Hutner zatzal used to say that it is not enough to ask for forgiveness. You have to say, “Ich vill zein beyedidus mit dir. I want to be your friend.”
Furthermore, you cannot say that the person you insulted is too sensitive, that he had no business being insulted. He is what he is, and you have no permission to harm him. If Hashem has a very delicate vase, does that give you the right to break it? You have to be especially careful with a delicate vase, because if you break it, how will you ever put it back together again?
A Russian Jew told me that a certain unspecified rosh yeshivah once made a very hurtful remark to him about Russian Jews. The next day, the rosh yeshivah called him and asked for forgiveness.
“Did you forgive him?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “If a rosh yeshivah asks for forgiveness, how can I not forgive him?”
“But did you forgive him in your heart?”
“Of course not. It did not alleviate my pain.”
So did the rosh yeshivah take care of his bein adam lechaveiro sin? I would say that he did not.
Let us say you owe someone a thousand dollars and you ask him to forgive your debt. He feels uncomfortable turning you down, so he forgives the debt. Is the debt forgiven even though in his heart he did not want to do it? It is indeed forgiven. We say that devarim shebeleiv einam devarim, your inner thoughts that contradict what you say explicitly are irrelevant. In the world of business, your lender is indeed your baal davar, and if he states that he forgive the debt, it is forgiven.
In the world of bein adam lechaveiro sins, however, your victim is not your baal davar. We do not say that devarim shebeleiv einam devarim, because it is all about the devarim shebeleiv. Hashem is your baal davar, and if you do not repair the devarim shebeleiv, you cannot ask Him for His forgiveness.
If you ask a person’s forgiveness three time in three separate places, and he refuses to forgive you, Hashem forgives you. So, you meet him in shul, and you say, “Please forgive me.” He refuses. The next day you meet him in
the supermarket and say, “Please forgive me.” He refuses. The next day, you meet him in the bank and say, “Please forgive me.” He still refuses. Are you forgiven? And if your victim dies before he forgives you, you bring ten men to the cemetery and ask forgiveness from his silent gravestone. Are you forgiven? Did you do everything in your power to appease him? Did you show him that you’ve turned a new leaf and want to be a true to him? Did you send him flowers and chocolates? Did you help him get his child into school?
Did you show true remorse for harming Hashem’s creatures? If you did, and your victim still refuses to forgive you, then Hashem says, “I see you’ve done your best to repair the damage to My world, and I see that you are remorseful. I forgive you for sinning against Me.”
Rashi says in Parshas Re’eh (13:913:9) that when a person pleads with you to forgive him then you have a mitzvah of azov taazov imo, to ease the heavy burden of guilt under which he is staggering. You cannot just ask for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness is not transactional. You have to plead for it. You have to show true remorse.
If you’ve done nothing during your victim’s lifetime, he will have gone to the grave with the damage completely unmitigated. In that case, ten men in a cemetery will only help if you are heartbroken and remorseful that there is nothing left to do, if you are mortified with shame before Hashem that you caused great damage to His world and there is no way to repair it.
The truth is that as much as you try to repair the damage, especially if the hurt was deep, you cannot undo what you have done. The wound you made can never be completely healed, and even if it is healed, a scar will always remain. You have to do the best you possibly can, and then, even if the damage you caused is not completely undone, Hashem will forgive you.
We are all destroyers. Every time we do something, every time we open our mouths, there is potential for damage to other people, especially to those people close to us. The risk of bein adam lechaveiro between parents and children is exceedingly great. The Torah puts parents on a pedestal, as
does the entire world, and when a child is disrespectful to a parent, it cuts to the quick. Conversely, when a parent says a harsh word to a child, especially in his formative years, it can cause damage to last a lifetime.
The greatest risk of bein adam lechaveiro, I believe, is between spouses. Husbands and wives are in constant contact with innumerable opportunities for friction and recriminations. They are exceedingly vulnerable to each other, and even a small hurtful word can destabilize a spouse’s world. Before Yom Kippur, the husband puts on his kittel before going to shul, and he turns to his wife and says, “Are you moichel me?” And she says, “Of course. Are you moichel me?” And he says, “Of course.” They both mean it on some level, but it is woefully inadequate. Asking for forgiveness is only effective if it is the culmination of a long and serious process of conciliation. Otherwise, the wounds are not healed.
The focus on bein adam lechaveiro should not just be during the approach to Yom Kippur. There must be a constant awareness of the risks, an awareness that hopefully will lead to prevention rather than repair. But if there is some damage, as is almost inevitable in all meaningful relationships, the repair must be immediate. Wounds allowed to fester are much harder to heal.